the fantasy of finality

Today was the final day of my third (of four) practicum blocks. I still have plenty of hoops to jump before Christmas break, but it will be nice to not have the smell of "old building" or "I'm a grade nine kid too shy to understand the nuances of deodorant after gym class" lingering on my clothes when I return home. Now, I attempted to educate myself from past mistakes and tried to prevent setting myself up for disappointment. "Disappointment Ryan? How can that be?" you may ask. Well, I guess no matter how rotten the kids are one develops an attachment when an extended amount of time and thought is spent with and on them. Just once, ONCE, I would like a student of mine to approach me during the last class and say "Gee Mr. Poleensky, I really appreciated all of the content you taught us." Once may be too much to demand from their feeble drug-hazed minds of theirs, but who knows, maybe one day during one of their illogical ramblings they will accidentally say the fore mentioned phrase. Not all of the students were as unappreciative as I may be alluding towards (or drug-hazed for that matter), I received some very nice comments on the evaluation sheet that I handed out yesterday and today. But as human nature goes, one rarely remembers the positive moments. I do not make a note of it to focus on the bad, but it pains me when I receive negative comments on things that I strive so hard to achieve. In fact, one of my strongest arguments to enter the Education department during the initial interview for acceptance was that I can relate to the students and make their education relevant. So when a student writes, "You tell too many stories. Just teach us how to do the assignments." its like a kick to proverbial groin. This student failed to realize that my stories had relevance to the assignments and attempted to act as scaffolding to help them to complete their work in a creative and exploratory manner. I know that many of the students appreciate my connections to the Simpsons, video-games, movies, iPods, and other things in their lives that they interact with and use. I compared how one could go to a restaurant, eat good food, and enjoy the atmosphere to how one could go to a fastfood joint and get diarrhea. This was to add humour to a bland topic of emphasizing the importance of time management and priorities. Another student (this one particularly drug-hazed) had a three-word comment to my "I thought Mr. Poleensky could do this better" category: "Made art boring." Thanks. This was right after I had a discussion with her table about art appreciation (when you understand or try something, one gains an appreciation towards it when they encounter it later. this makes life more enjoyable. this is a logical statement). This is my new assignment for her: Go home. Take a nap. Don't come to school, you are a waste of space.

There are a number of things fueling this rant. One, I am tired of being a "fake" teacher and I need the university to just hand me my frigging degree. Two, being a "fake" teacher gives the rotten students consent to ignore and berate me, of which I receive both of today. Three, I have heard news of a couple of my Bible school friends who have made money selling their services as graphic designers, I am jealous. Four, I am being bent by God to understand the deepness of His Love for me, even as a sinner, by searching myself to fulfill the verb of Love towards my rotten students... for they are my enemies.