What a weird summer. I had three goals: driveway, lawn, deck. Done. I kept busy the rest of the time. I will be honest and tell you that I am content with what I accomplished. My only resentment is towards the horrible weather...but that bitterness is beginning to feel like blasphemy. So I'll ease off. September is here. There is no stopping it. As usual it's a dunk in a cold lake. You inhale sharply, hold it. Clench. Prepare for the worst. My nightmares of poor classroom management started at the dawn of August, so my fluttered, whimpering, REM sleep has eased off since then. This year is filled with so many new things. New courses. Manage the yearbook committee. Help direct the musical. Begin fatherhood. The latter being the only consequential one. I feel too young to start. But when I do the math (...I'm an Art major remember)... it still doesn't add up. It just comes down to me feeling too young to start. The shoes ahead just will not, cannot, be filled by me alone. Whew. This morning, at church, when I stood with bowed head in mind-wandering prayer I was allowed a third person glimpse of my religiousness. There is ritual. I'll grant that. It looks strangely devout and robotic. I won't deny it. but as I agree with mewithoutyou's Every Thought a Thought of You, it isn't empty. Knowledge of a living God runs deep. Sap deep. As in a tree. Although I can be caught just standing still, it's still here, it doesn't leave. He gives me hope. Hope that learning will occur. Hope that I'll be a good father. Hope that I can use my gifts.
I'll update more.
1 comment:
It's really warm in Edmonton today, but that makes me worry more... I like how you describe the weather as a "dunk in a cold lake", although I'm worried it will be more like "dunk in a lake that the ice finally disappeared from over the weekend".
I don't know if you ever are old enough for life. As someone with a two year old pointed out to me and a pregnant friend who was kind of freaking out thinking about caring for her own two year old, you don't actually get them when they're 2. You get them all brand new and little, and yes it's a lot of work, but you figure it out. And then they get older, and you figure the next part out, and so on. You aren't handed all the complex, zany insanities of a 2 year old right off the bat.
You'll be a good father. You'll make mistakes, your kid will drive you crazy and some days you might not like her even though you still love her, but she'll be yours, and she'll call you Dad, and it will be amazing. The school stuff will work itself out, too - it always has so far, and it will again. Eventually.
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